Vulnerable

I’ve had to learn to never really speak my mind in Christianity. I’m not supposed to have an opinion or thought of my own that differs from my superiors or their preferred and accepted interpretation, it seems. So I tend to speak my mind a little too much online. I don’t like it when it gets me into trouble. I guess it’s the imbalance of it all that bothers me. That however much I might have a good idea or a brilliant suggestion – it counts for absolutely nothing in one sphere. And all the holding back I do just makes me want to lash out all the more in another. Such petulance is unbecoming, I know. Still – being kicked out of a group in under three days is a new record. I had such high hopes – but alas, I’m not really all that good at keeping quiet. Perhaps it was seeing people freely talking about abuse and fraud as if it were okay that bothered me; but hey, anything to save a buck is okay these days. I guess I should be glad though; more free time to be my petulant self elsewhere.

The other night there was this pastor – I wanted to tell him how Christianity had lost me. How God had let me down and how he had helped Him to fail me in a myriad of ways. But I couldn’t – not in person. Perhaps it was a good thing because then I’d have to own the frustration and bear it knowing that every future interaction would be awkward and tainted with the memory of anger and outrage. I don’t know what I would have said anyway – odds are it wouldn’t have been good.

Then I was just told not to bring up my usual grievances online because they weren’t important. My pain and misery had ruined somebody else’s perfect piece. It’s like being mad that somebody co-opted the rainbow and you stepped in to remind them that there are other people who use the same concept differently. I guess it’s the price of being too well versed in a subject, you see it’s shadow everywhere and those who don’t recognize it think you’re mad when they can’t see it and you do.

And I’ve been feeling like a loose canon – the thing to do is to just stay out of the way and I know that few people would risk trying to help knowing injury was possible. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised – there’s little humility and precious few words of comfort people can give – and when they’re so anxious to stay out of harm’s way, there’s no help coming to bring healing balm for my wounds. Then they wonder why I have a problem with Christianity and I wonder how can I not?

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7 thoughts on “Vulnerable

  1. Your pain, your misery, your grievances ARE important. They should be heard. And the sort of ‘Christianity’ that would say those aren’t important don’t represent Christ. When he healed the blind man, the very first day that man could go into the real temple the leaders called him in and questioned him for being healed. The Bible doesn’t say what the result of their conversation with him was, but my guess is that he was thrown out just like they’d threatened. Jesus went looking for that man. He’s the only man who was healed the Bible says Jesus went back for. Jesus cared. And we should too.

    I call it churchianity. Religion, but not Christian. It lost me too. It’s very hard to believe in something that is so poorly represented. For me, it also becomes, after awhile, difficult to believe in what it professes to represent.

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  2. Sorry to hear you’ve had some issues with the Church. The older I get the more I’m finding this is the case. I think a lot of people in the Church are more interested in comfort than truth. Thus, people using their minds, asking questions, or raising any sort of opposition immediately make those in the Church feel threatened. I went through a period where I thought everyone claiming to be a Christian was fake, just fooling themselves. This may be true in some cases, but I think for the most part people need to be shown how to face opposition, how to doubt, and how to find faith in the midst of that. Once we all start accepting that we don’t have all the answers, I think it allows us to focus on Jesus a bit more and just get down to loving God and one another. I’m convinced Jesus was actually raised from the dead (it took me a while to get there), but that keeps me going even when those claiming to follow Him are dropping the ball. It also helps me to remember I’m broken person, too.

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  3. Now it makes sense why you have problems with mine and other Christian posts. You have a problem with Jesus Christ. You have abandon the Lord but I have good news for you. If you repent and put your faith in Jesus Christ you will have eternal life. Jesus wants you to have life but if you continue shunning the Lord He will give you what you want, for Him to leave you alone. Jesus is the only way for salvation if you continue to reject Him than you will not find eternal life anywhere else.

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    1. As far as first century Jewish rabbis living in the far stretches of the Roman Empire go, Jesus was a stand-up example of a religious renegade in that he didn’t go through the religious channels and hierarchy that existed in his day and age. The Jesus I don’t like is this mascot for the modern church who is dressed up and trotted out as if he were all about hierarchy. When you get who Jesus really was, you see that the church mis-translates him and gets what he says wrong. Try reading: “Misreading Scripture with Western Eyes” and see how / where we go wrong as Westerners.

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